


Improv Night

by FleshEatingMangos



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, He needs to sleep, Idiotic Brothers and Generals, Jellyfish, Pears, and new brothers, gallstones, improv performances, poor Rex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26066470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleshEatingMangos/pseuds/FleshEatingMangos
Summary: During a long needed leave for the 501st Legion, all Rex wants to do is lie down and sleep. Unfortunately, his brothers don't.
Relationships: CT-21-0408 | Echo & CT-27-5555 | Fives | ARC-5555, CT-21-0408 | Echo & CT-5597 | Jesse, CT-21-0408 | Echo & CT-7567 | Rex, CT-27-5555 | Fives | ARC-5555 & CT-5597 | Jesse, CT-5597 | Jesse & CT-6116 | Kix, Hardcase & CT-6116 | Kix, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	Improv Night

Rex sighed for the hundredth time that night. He had come to the bunks to sleep like a normal person, but unfortunately, unlike him, his brothers did not understand proper bedtime etiquette. Hardcase in particular. Rex may have been a clone, but if he ever got an opportunity to write a will, he definitely knows who isn’t making the cut.

“Wait, I’m still confused,” Fives said. He was upside down: his head on the ground, while his feet were on the pillow of his bunk. “Run that by me again.”

Rex sighed for the hundredth and first time that night. His sanity was being shredded faster than General Skywalker’s boring ‘Rex, you know that I don’t time for all of this’ paperwork. Hardcase had gone to the local town to celebrate the legion’s rare day off, giving his liver a much-needed day off as well. Unfortunately for Rex, that meant _his_ day was no longer free.

“Okay, so basically there were these villagers, right, and they had this amazingly large area that was even bigger than twenty of our bunks put together. And then they would sit in around a circle, with the centre just empty. There in the middle, these four villagers would perform, but here’s the kicker, they don’t know what they are performing! Some person in the audience just shouts out some word or words and they have to perform based on that!” This passionate speech had been heavily hand-gestured. Rex didn’t know which part of the act warranted the finger guns, or the finger cannons, or the finger grenades, or if the area really had blown up after the performance as he understood from Hardcase’s giant explosion at the end, but he digresses. The speech might have been impressive if he hadn’t heard it over ten times by now. His expressions and signs had only gotten more expressive each time. Rex sighed for the hundredth and second time.

“Oh! I know what this is!” Echo said, practically jumping up and down on his bunk. Rex knew what it was as well, he heard Echo say these exact words before. “It’s called _improv_ , it’s a really interesting and fun little game that isn’t destructive to any property or persons.”

“Wow, that sounds really fun and not dangerous.” Kix added. He was the only one that was seated in a manner that was appropriate for a non-barbarian. Other than Rex himself, of course.

“Hey!” Jesse slapped his hands on his knees from where he was seated on Hardcase’s bunk. “I just got this completely sudden idea! What about we play this game, while our captain here is the audience, and chooses our word for us?”

“Good idea,” Kix turned to him now. “Sir, what do you say?”

Rex, with all the strength and dignity of Jango Fett himself, said: “No, now let me sleep.”

“Come on, Captain.” They had chosen wisely making Echo the emotional blackmailer. He was Rex’s twenty-sixth all-time favourite clone. “Please, it’ll be fun.”

“No,” said Rex, for the now twelfth time.

“Wait, I’m still confused.” Fives said, _again _. “__ Run that by me again.”

“Okay, so basically there were these-“

“ENOUGH!” Rex’s bellow was so impressive, Fives fell to the ground in a weird summersault like move in surprise. “Enough, okay, I’ll give you your karking topics, I’ll be the model audience, but please stop.”

Fives brightened from his pathetic pile on the floor. “Wonderful, that’s all you had to say.”

Kix pulled him over and seated him in the ‘chair of honour’: a pile of lumpy pillows and blankets. “Here, get comfortable, and make sure you sit straight against the wall, it gives good ergonomics for your back. No offense, sir, your back has more cricks than General Yoda’s, and he’s practically older than the Republic.”

Rex did take offense to that. But he also had enough of a brain to not talk back to the man that administered needles to his body on a regular basis. Last time he went for a blood test, Kix dug around his arm to find a vein for ten minutes, and they had the same body. He still had the bruise.

“Alright. Let’s get in position. Hardcase, passionately hug Jesse’s knee.”

“Fives, what the actual kriff? Hardcase! Let go of my leg!"

“Jesse, your foot is actually really soft, what’s your skin routine?”

“It’s gonna be your blood if you don’t let-"

“Troopers!” Rex’s bellow was extremely loud and great indeed. “I haven’t even given you a topic, what the actual force are you doing?”

“Getting into position, sir. It’s really helpful for getting into the correct mind frame.” At Fives’ words, everyone nodded solemnly, but he had been bobbing up and down like a swimming Mon Calamari five seconds ago, so Rex was not impressed. He sighed for the hundredth and fifty-eighth time.

In front of him, his current headaches had stood up and were in line at parade rest, Hardcase had stepped forward as their representative. “Sir, we are awaiting your desired suggestion, sir.”

As a last hope for his sanity, Rex tried to be casual. “What about the five quiet soldiers and their sleeping captain that they do not disturb?”

Echo of all people rolled his eyes. “Vetoed.” He was being demoted to thirty-fourth all-time favourite clone.

Rex sighed again for the hundredth and seventy-third time. He wasn’t getting out of this, but the least he could do was pick something safe. “Okay, what about… pears.”

Echo nodded sagely. “Excellent choice. Kix, you’re General Skywalker, Hardcase: Senator Amidala, Jesse: Threepio, Fives: Artoo, and I’ll be the pear.” All the performers nodded eagerly; Rex had a really bad feeling about all of this.

His bad feelings got infinitely worse as Kix dramatically got on one knee. “Oh, angels of angel, light of lights, I love you so much.”

Hardcase flung himself on Kix, knocking them both down. Rex sighed again. “Oh, Ani! You know you are the Tatooine sun to my Naboo moon, I love you so much too! I feel like I’m burning with my love!” Yup, Rex had a really really bad feeling about all of this.

“If you truly love me as much as you say, then accept my _-psst Echo get your ass over here_ -love pear as a gift benefitting an angel as yourself. Please let this pear pass through your beautiful lips, mix with your heavenly saliva, go down your divine esophagus, and into your adorable stomach to sate your most glorious hunger.” Rex was no longer going to be able to look either General Skywalker or Senator Amidala in the eye ever again. He could feel his own ‘adorable stomach’ churning uneasily.

Jesse answered on behalf of him (her? Oh, whatever, Rex no longer cared). “Oh, Master Ani, what a most thoughtful gift. I know Mistress Amidala-“

“Actually, it’s Mistress Padmé, get your facts straight.”

“Shut up Echo, pears don’t talk! And I can’t call her that, it’s too personal.”

“I literally went and sweet-talked her entire digestive system. It’s literally just for fun, who the kriff cares. Besides, ‘Master Ani’?”

“That’s different, I saw that man dig through a sewage pipe to find some bugs to eat. There’s a certain intimacy with that action that allows me to be informal. It’s written in the GAR handbook somewhere, ask Echo.”

“Can we please go back to the actual play? I didn’t even get a single line in yet.”

“Fine.” Jesse straightened his back and brought back his atrocious accent. “Oh, Master Ani, what a most thoughtful gift. I know Mistress _Amidala_ -" he paused here to glare at Echo-“would be most delighted to receive such an amazing present. Also, my lifeday is coming up and I expect something too."

“And me! I like presents,” Fives said as well. “Uh, I mean, beep beep bop beep bop beep.”

“Shut up all of you! This is my special pear, go get your own, you freeloaders.” Hardcase shot them all a glare, including Echo and Rex—he was very into this performance. Then again, Kix was on the floor swooning, so he wasn’t the worst

“So, you accept my offering, oh Goddess of the Stars?”

Of course I do, oh Prince of the Sun. For your love, I would blast all the stupid clankers in the galaxy with just my handy Z-6 rotary blaster cannon. It is amazing and packed with a variety of useful features that can make it an amazing third member of our marriage, with your consent, of course.”

Rex was starting to get a bit creeped out. He wondered if this counted as insubordination. On stage, he could see Echo roll his eyes.

“Your love moves all of the galaxy,” Jesse crooned. “I am in awe of your admiration for one another, please have extremely raunchy sex in front of me.”

“JESSE!” At this rate, Rex’s voice was going to be gone by morning.

“What? I’m in character, the little droid is so prissy, he probably has some sick thoughts in his head.”

“Beep beep,” Fives said in agreement.

Echo said nothing. He was a pear.

Rex sat back down, utterly done with everyone. He wished he had taken Commander Tano’s invitation to go to the local salon with her and General Skywalker. He could use a relaxing steam bath and pedicure around now.

“Anyways,” Kix said, still on the floor, looking a bit grossed out as well. “I think we exhausted this topic enough. What’s next?”

Fives perked up from his ‘Artoo stance’. “Oooh, can it be gallstones? I have a great idea for that.”

“What the actual kriff, Fives.”

“He was dropped on his head while he was being decanted, don’t pay him any attention.”

“Stop being so judgy, you haven’t even heard my amazing idea. So, basically, there’s an ancient culture that hunts animals to harvest their gallstones to build their houses and-”

Rex had heard enough. “NO! NO! NO! We are not doing any more ‘improv performances’. I’m not listening to your weird gallstone fairy tale, I was extremely creeped out by your flirting with Senator Amidala’s digestive tract, and I DO NOT WANT TO IMAGINE GENERAL SKYWALKER HAVING ANY SORT OF RAUNCHY SEX!”

“Uh, good to know Captain.” Rex felt like he was in a horror movie. He slowly turned around, mentally preparing his farewell speech. Hopefully after his death he could be a ghost and haunt the assholes that caused his demise. Behind him, Fives, Echo, and Jesse were snickering into their hands, Hardcase had already collapsed in a fit of giggles, Kix, still on the floor, was playing dead. He was taking all of them off his will. Maybe just keep Commander Tano on it. She never gave him this much stress.

“General Skywalker, sir! Um, what are you doing here, sir?” He played it cool. Skywalker had a low attention span on a good day, hopefully he would get distracted.

“I was here to deliver some snacks that Snips and I picked up. She mentioned you were having a rough day.” Yep, his full life savings (which were basically non-existent, but it’s the thought that counted!) were going to Commander Tano. He had a sudden urge to passionately describe her digestive tract. Best of all, the subject was changed. Maybe it’ll all be okay. “What are you guys doing? Sounded, uh, interesting. And what happened to Kix, is he okay?”

Never mind, he was moving to Hoth on the first available ship.

“Improv, sir!” Echo said, having composed himself before the rest of his brothers. Kix was still playing dead, it didn’t even look like he was breathing. “It’s this game where someone choses a random topic and everyone has to make up a story and script for it. And Kix is fine, he’s just recharging. All us clones have to do it once a month to make sure we don’t turn into jellyfish. It happened to one of my brothers, poor 81, he will be missed.” He wiped a tear from his eye, Jesse saluted the air, Kix kept ‘recharging’, and Fives and Hardcase laughed harder. Rex hated them all.

“What, is that a thing? That is so cool, I wanted to be a fire breathing seahorse when I was younger, but Master Obi-Wan said that I was being dumb, wait until he hears this.”

It was a miracle they were all alive, Rex thought. Clearly, he was surrounded by idiots.

“But wait, what improv topic did you choose that involved me and sex?” Rex immediately missed the jellyfish.

“Oh, it was pears,” Fives answered. They were so lucky General Skywalker was so easygoing. Rex shuddered to think what would have happended if they were assigned to General Windu. “Kix was you, Hardcase was Senator Amidala, and Jesse was Threepio, Echo was the pear. I got Artoo, which is so unfair, because he doesn’t talk in anything but beeps, and I felt that I could have contributed a lot to the scenarios. For example: poisonous pears that cause blindness, or maybe mutant magical pears that make you go to a different dimension, or maybe-“

“Fives, let the man breathe.” Good man, Echo. He was now back in Rex’s will.

“I’m still not understanding how a pear can lead to anything.”

“Oh, that.” Hardcase, who had now composed himself, or at least as much as usual, said with his usual no shame, “Jesse was living out his voyeur fantasies through Threepio and wanted to watch you and the Senator get it on with a Z-6 rotary cannon. Good choice, may I say sir. She’s an absolute stunner, the cannon, I mean.”

“Hardcase, I do not-“

“What!” Everyone turned towards the bantha, or rather the general, in the room. “Why would you think that there’s anything between me and Padmé? I have never even looked at her, or any other woman, in such an inappropriate way. Me and Padmé is like me and Master Plo, which is ew, so me and Padmé is also ew. Not that Master Plo and Padmé are ugly, no, they are very attractive for their particular species, but just not compatible with me, who does not like them. Not in a romantic way, I mean, they are my friends, of course. So, ha, me and the Senator do not have anything between us, I proved it.” Skywalker gave them all a smug smile.

Everyone stared at him, even Kix had opened his eyes. The room was completely silent. They continued to stare; General Skywalker continued to smile. Finally, reprieve was given in the form of a loud laugh from troopers next door that sounded like they were having a lot more fun than they were. Rex entertained the idea of changing battalions in a brief moment of weakness. He bet Wolffe didn't have to deal with all this nonsense.

“Uh, general?” Hardcase spoke, looking a bit confused. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am completely fine, I just have to go.” He ran out the door, then ran back a few seconds later. “I almost forgot, Rex take your snacks.” He threw the small bag in his hands towards Rex, and bolted.

Kix looked up from where he had jumped up and snatched the snack bag before Rex could catch it. “This was actually really fun; can we do it again?”

Rex sighed for the two hundredth and thirty-ninth time that night and walked towards his bed without answering.

**Author's Note:**

> I never wrote fanfic before, and when I do, I write this. I'm sorry. 
> 
> I wrote this under two hours at midnight yesterday (today?), so let me know if I messed up my English/grammar somewhere.


End file.
